Not Much of a Talker

“YOU’RE not much of a talker, are you? That’s fine, I don’t mind. I can talk all day and night. Most of my best thinking happens when I’m talking like this, not about anything particular, just letting my mouth move around. Careful though, sometimes I go for hours and it don’t mean nothing, it’s just words. Boy, when I’m doing that, you want to run!

“My Daddy used to say I could have talked my way right into college if I’d wanted to. Don’t doubt it neither. He was a smart man, my Daddy. If he said something, you could bet your life it was true. Once he told me they were going to put a man on the moon. Amazing, huh? He pointed up into the sky and said, ‘Son, they’re going to send a rocket there’. 1959 it was. Well I said to him, ‘Daddy, there ain’t no chance of that’. But it happened!

“What you in for anyway? Oh, don’t say, let me guess. Last guy in here, must have taken me a whole week to guess what he done but I got it in the end! He was a rapist! You don’t look all that nasty, though. Too small to beat guys up, too nice looking to beat on a lady. Usually the guys with glasses on, they all done things with money. You must be mean on the inside, or else you wouldn’t be here. Anyway, whatever you done you’re here now. How long you in for?

“Me? I got ten years behind me already, so I’m gonna be finished soon. I bet you’re wondering what I’m in for. Well, all kinds of stuff. I went a long time without getting caught, so the charges kind of stacked up. Once they got you for one thing, boy, they sure get you for everything they can! Robberies, stealing cars, drugs, oh they got me good! They even got me for a couple of things I didn’t do! Said I killed a guy out in Colorado, and I ain’t never even BEEN to Colorado. Still, I did do most of them things, so it’s only fair they should put me away. It’s like I said to them, ‘You better lock me up for a long time, or else you never know what I might do when I get out’. I’m a menace to society! Well, they sure gave me more than I bargained for! I’m done with my bad days now, though and all that’s changed a long time ago.

“I still speak to some of the guys but things are different now. See in here they taught me all the things I done were wrong. You’ll learn that too – there’s nothing like being stuck in this little room all day to make you work out stuff like that. I sometimes wonder, who do you think came up with the idea of locking guys away until they wanted to be good again? I don’t know but I sure think it’s a great one. Amazing. Not everyone learns though. Some guys just sit there all miserable for years and years blaming other people for the things they done. They eat miserable, sleep miserable until one day they just roll over and die. It’s crazy. So I reckon I’m lucky. I spent a long time thinking before anything happened to me, though. For ages there was just nothing there. Could have been cotton candy between my ears for all the thinking I got done. Looked out the window into the yard and I couldn’t see nothing but thin air. I sure was angry. But then one day, I’m looking and – BOOM! – I saw Jesus, and everything changed. There he was, arms out to me, saying, ‘Ralphie, I am the Light’. And I thought, Yes Sir, you are.

“You believe in Jesus? I do. Coleman, down the block, says Jesus is a black man. Says white folks just pretend he was white so they don’t have to go calling no black man the Son of God. Says that where Jesus was born, everybody was black. But I told him straight. I said, I saw Jesus out my window yesterday and he looked just like he did in Church, whiter than white white guy, no mistake. Comes nearly every day, always looks the same. So, how can he be black? He got two bodies? Well, Coleman didn’t have no answer for that, but I turned a blind eye to what he said, cos that’s what the Reverend says to do. The Reverend’s teaching me how to read, how about that?

”Boy, I’m busy. Makes me wish they’d let me out of this here room for longer. Anyway, the Reverend makes it real easy for me. We’re just taking it nice and slow. After all, I got nowhere to go! We’re doing one letter at a time, and this week it’s eee. We done eee before but sometimes I forget and we have to go back. The way I figure, least when I die, I’ll die knowing what an eee look like. That’s something, ain’t it? I’m trying to talk better as well. The Reverend gives me a word to go say for a week or so ‘til I know what it means, then I head back and get another one. Like this week, my word is, Amazing. I think plenty of stuff is amazing, so it’s a good word to be able to use. Reverend says that’s what Jesus is, and I agree with him, really amazing. Gets me to thinking about Jesus, you know? Funny how for years and years you go to Church and school and say prayers before eating and stuff and you don’t see nothing, not even once. You’d think he might come and visit, but he don’t. Even when you’re real happy or real sad, you don’t see him. Even when my Momma and Daddy died, nothing. But then, soon as you’re in here, he turns up! Amazing. Happens to loads of guys.

“You met Larry yet? Larry was a pimp, a real bad ass, didn’t care nothing for nobody, and then, one day, he got the bug. He’s in the shower cleaning his ass and this other guy comes out of nowhere and, well, I don’t mean to be rude, but you can guess what happened. Anyway, so Larry’s no little guy, but he can’t get away, he’s trapped, an’ he just has to stay there and take it. The guy’s going at it real hard and Larry’s holding onto the rail! Then, just as the guy’s, you know, doing his business, Jesus appears, right there in front of Larry’s eyes, holding the soap! Right there in the showers! Said he cried with happiness! Well, I thought I’d heard it all, I can tell you but I ain’t heard about that kind of thing before. The Lord sure moves in mysterious ways. And it’s not just guys in prison who meet Jesus you know, others get it too, ones that aren’t even in prison. You’re a little young just yet, but the Reverend says that as you get closer to death, you get closer to God. And I’m pretty close, so I should know.

“We were in chapel last week and I says to him, ‘Reverend, how come there’s so many old guys here? Why don’t Jesus visit the young guys?’ And he says, ‘The young guys ain’t looking’. Very smart, the Reverend, very smart indeed. He’s helping me think of my last words! How about that? We been looking at what some other guys said when they went. Crazy stuff! This one guy in Oklahoma, when the time comes the guy says to him, ‘Have you any last words?’ and he goes, ‘I did not get my Spaghetti-O’s, I got spaghetti’. Tell the press! You hear that? Last words the guy ever says and he wants to talk about food! This other guy, right here in Texas, he just said, ‘Remember, the death penalty is murder’. Serious, huh? I kind of think he’s right though, can’t see no good in more killing, can you? But I don’t think I’ll say anything like that when my time comes. Only get one chance. Think I’ll say something about Jesus, or maybe thank the government. Won’t be expecting that one, will they? Heh heh heh. Some guys do say that, you know? The Reverend’s teaching me all this stuff, about what other guys done, says it helps prepare you for the big day.

“You know, it’s kind of a shame I can’t do nothing to make things better no more, I would have liked to do that. But, I got to die. There’s lots of things I would have liked to do – I wanted to see that rocket land on the moon for one, I missed it on the TV. And I would have liked to have been married, that would have been nice, perhaps had some kids of my own. Couple of boys, a girl. Nearly did get married once, many years ago, a pretty girl she was. It never worked out though, she ran out on me. Can’t say I blame her. You got a sweetheart? Everyone should have one, keeps your mind busy while you’re sitting here. I don’t need one though, I got Jesus. Jesus is my sweetheart. Oh, Lord. I wanted to learn to read proper too, but if you got to go, you got to go. I was learning just in case I got enough time – never mind, maybe I can learn in heaven. Least I’ll know what a eee is when I get there. When they came and told me yesterday morning, I nearly choked on my eggs! Going up tomorrow, Pearly Gates the day after that, that’s what the guy said. Been here so long now I almost forgot it was gonna happen someday. They told me before when it was gonna be, but time don’t mean nothing in here, you know? I forget. Anyway, reading.

“Daddy used to say it was always worth learning something whether you got to use it or not. Didn’t matter, he said, it was the learning was important. I miss him, he’s gone now too. Died right here in this building! Or near here, anyway. Shame to die in prison. Still, he was smart to know about that rocket – he died even before it happened! They got rid of Old Sparky and I’m getting the needle, I think that’s better, don’t you? I don’t like needles much, but it’s better than the chair. Don’t want to be jigging about all over the place, better to go all peaceful like. Daddy was real angry when he went, said there weren’t no justice. Cursed and cursed he did. I ain’t gonna go like that. It’s pretty scary though, you never know what you gonna think when it happens. I’m gonna pretend they just putting me to sleep, take a deep breath and go meet my maker. I sure feel sorry for guys that go and don’t believe in nothing, what you gonna think about, baseball? Tell you what buddy, I’m tired. They coming to get me at six tomorrow morning and I got me plenty more thinking to do before I go. Don’t want to be all sleepy thinking my last thoughts, do I? Wonder why they gotta do it so early? Seems a shame, could have done sleeping in one more time. I’m gonna get me some sleep. Anyway, nice talking to ya.”

published
as part of THE KNUCKLE END, scottish short story collection (Freight Publishing, 2004)